I had thought about crossing the finish line of the New York City Marathon so many times during my journey. I had run over 300 miles in preparation for the day I would run my final 26.2. Every time I thought about it, I thought about how I would cry my eyes out as I crossed the finish line. I thought about how I would feel redemption and how I would feel whole again, but what actually felt, I could never have imagined.

Finally, Nov 3 had arrived, the culmination of all my hard work was about to take place. I would travel the 5 boroughs, running 26.2 miles and cross that finish line in Central Park. I won’t get into the actual marathon, I could write paragraphs and paragraphs on each mile and the sights and the crowd and how damn hard miles 19-23 were, but instead I will focus on 3 very important things, 1) my support system, 2) my goals, and 3) the finish line

1) My Support System – Lou Gehrig considered himself “The luckiest man on the face of the earth,” and I am most definitely the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. The support I received from everyone on social media was astounding, from comments to private messages, I was so touched. In addition, so many people got together to create inspirational voice recordings and a song playlist that I listened to for the very first time, while running the marathon. However, nothing was more incredible than the almost 35 people that traveled into the city that day and braved the crowd of over 1,000,000, many of them moving around the course to cheer me on from multiple locations. A combination of family and friends made up Team Souza and I was so incredibly blessed!

2) My Goals – I had 3 goals for the marathon, 1) Finish, 2) Stop and hug/say hi to everyone who had come out to support me that day and 3) If I could do #1 and #2 and finish the marathon in less than 5 hours, that would be my trifecta. I am so proud to say I completed all 3 (although I did miss a few people at various places) and I finished the marathon in 4hours 48 minutes and 24 seconds. Boom!

3) The Finish Line – It is impossible to explain the feeling you get when you finally arrive at Columbus Circle and make that last turn into Central Park. How it feels to run that last .2 miles (uphill) and see the finish line finally in your sights. Thinking about it now, I get all teary…but the unexpected happened when I crossed the finish line, I DID NOT CRY ONE SINGLE TEAR. I have now come to realize that crossing the finish line wasn’t about redemption as I had anticipated, nor did it make me whole again. The great thing is, somewhere along my journey, I had already become whole; I had already gained back those things I had lost in myself. So, when I crossed the finish line of the New York City Marathon, it was about success, dedication and accomplishment and instead of tears there was elation and smiles. I had completed a bucket list item, I was a marathon finisher, and it felt AMAZING (and exhausting.)

Thank you to everyone for taking this journey with me, your love and support got me through so much, and I will forever be grateful.

“I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are “

-This is Me, The Greatest Showman

Every time I heard this song, I cried. Even under the best of circumstances, separations and divorces are hard and they take their toll on a person. My separation was no different, it left me feeling unlovable, inadequate, and like I didn’t matter. I truly felt broken in every way a person can feel broken; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I had this song on my playlist when I first started training for the marathon and I would cry every time it came on. I would cry and run and run and cry and that’s how it went for weeks and weeks. It became my battle cry in many ways and deep down I knew, that when I could listen to that song, and not cry, I was on my way to healing. I don’t remember the exact day, but it was in August and I was running on my street and I can tell you exactly where I was on my street, and the song played and for the first time I didn’t cry. Was I healed?…No, but I was MOST CERTAINLY on my way.

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me”

I took the train into NYC today to run the route of the last 10 miles of the marathon. It was quite emotional, in fact I had already cried twice before I even left the house. “The last 10 miles,” there are so many meanings for that phrase beyond just running. This truly feels like the last steps, the last miles, in a journey to heal myself that started in February. Beyond all the endorphins and everything that happens when you exercise, just getting out on the road, fighting with everything I have through several runs, and watching myself get stronger, both mentally and physically during this journey, has been beyond cathartic. I am in the last 10 miles of my healing and when I cross that finish line on Sunday,…I am not even sure what to type right now as tears fill my eyes….it is incomprehensible.

As for the actual journey of the last 10 miles, it started just over the Queensborough bridge at 59th and 1st. I followed 1st Avenue and about 3+ miles in, I got pretty lost and unsure as to where I should be going. I found my way back on track and just as I did, a nice man came running by, noticing I was in complete running gear but holding my phone up with a map on it, he asked me if I was running the marathon route. I told him I was, and he said to follow him and he would point it out. So we ran together for awhile, talked a little bit, I told him this was my first ever marathon and he pointed out spots where the crowds would be and things to expect. He was a bit of an older gentleman with a New York Road Runners shirt on, so clearly he had done this route many times before. It ended up that we ran together the entire time, I just followed him through the streets, as he continued to tell me what to expect, where the tough spots were and how many people and bands would be in attendance on marathon Sunday. It was a great run and an absolutely gorgeous day in the city!

So there I was, with this wonderful man, a complete stranger, running the last 10 miles of the marathon. All I told him about myself was that this year had been a journey for me and he seemed to understand without me having to say more. As we approached Columbus Circle, which is symbolic for getting close to the finish line, tears came to my eyes. We kept running and we started to pass the Grandstands that were being put up already and he pointed up ahead to where the finish line would be. We ran up to that point and we stopped, and I turned to him and I asked him his name, it was Steve. I put out my hand and shook his, I told him my name, and told him how much I really appreciated his help and I thanked him. Then I turned and walked off by myself and just let the tears flow for a bit. It is truly hard to imagine what Sunday is going to feel like, but today, was incredible!

9 days to 26.2! Tomorrow I head into NYC and run the last 10 miles of the marathon. That will be my last long run, it still feels a bit like a dream. There is absolutely no way I would be where I am today with out the help of 3 really amazing people. This blog is dedicated to them.

At 8am this morning, I hugged my personal trainer Matt Fink and cried. This morning was my last appointment with Matt until after the marathon and after I take a little time off. Matt has been with me through everything this year. I have showed up at his front door crying, only to turn around and have to leave. I have sat and cried in between workout circuits and I have called him from my car outside his house crying. Matt’s knowledge of strength and agility training is only outdone by his sincerity and huge heart. He has helped me to improve my overall strength exponentially this year; pushing me when I needed to be pushed and laying off when he knew I needed it. I just can’t say enough about this amazing man and I can’t wait to get back to training with him after my time off. https://www.bestrongernow.com/

Those of you that have been following my journey know about my 14 mile run in August that was a completely grueling and painful experience. Right after that run, I decided to engage with a nutritionist because I knew I needed help fueling my body better and preparing better for my long runs. I sought the help of Katie Diehl and I absolutely could not be happier with how she has turned things around for me. I have never again hit a wall (knock on wood) since working with Katie. Like Matt, she has a heart of gold and sincerely cares about my overall well-being, not just my nutritional health. If I don’t check in with her after my long runs, she is checking in with me, making sure I am ok. Katie has not just been my nutritionist but she’s been a superfan. Like Matt, I intend to keep working with Katie beyond the marathon. https://www.diehlnutrition.com/

No disrespect to Matt or Katie, but I saved the best for last and that is my running coach Amy Kvilhaug. I would not have even attempted marathon training if it were not for her. Amy and I were softball teammates in college at Providence College (Go Friars!) and have remained good friends for 25 years. Everything Amy does is with the determination and grit of a true athlete. She was Big East Rookie of the Year and Pitcher of the Year leading our team to a Big East Championship by pitching 21 innings in 1 day. She is the first ever softball player to be inducted into the Providence College Athletic Hall of Fame, she was Big East coach of the year at St Johns, turning that team into Big East Champions and creating a coaching staff that won Big East Coaching Staff of the Year honors. Needless to say, everything Amy touches turns to gold, but only because of her relentless dedication and hard work to everything she does….and I was no exception. It became so obvious to me why Amy was such a successful softball coach and when I saw how she coached me through this marathon prep. She expected nothing less than excellence, but also knew when I just needed a break. She knew how to get the best out of me and inspire me to do the best I could possibly do. When I told Amy I wanted to do a marathon but I was scared of starting it and not being able to finish she simply said to me, “Lynn, I will be there with you every step of the way,” and she has been. Going through this journey with Amy by my side as been one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I can never truly thank her for all that she has done to get me to where I am. Amy is an amazing coach but more importantly, she is an incredible friend.

If you want to donate to my charity for the NYC Marathon, please click here: https://www.crowdrise.com/donate/project/sandy-hook-promise-foundation-nyc-2019/lynnsouza1

It is hard to believe that I only have 10 days left.  10 days in a journey that has seen me run 371 miles, with only 21 miles left until the day of 26.2.  I have had 371 miles to reflect on my life and everything that has brought me to these final 10 days. So I decided I would write a blog each day on some aspect of my life that has been critical to my journey to 26.2.

While my journey back from heart break and self doubt started in February, my journey toward being more physically fit started on Sept 2, 2012. That is the day I had Bariatric surgery. Approaching 240 lbs, I was obese, my back and knees hurt, I couldn’t give my daughter piggy back rides, or fit comfortably on the swings at the playground. It was not a good time for me both physically and mentally. I had lost and gained hundreds of pounds in my adult life and I decided I needed to do something different, dare I say, something more drastic. So I had a procedure called a Sleeve Gastrectomy, where they remove 85% of your stomach and shape the part that is left like a sleeve (or a banana). The surgery itself was not overwhelmingly painful, but the couple years (yes I said, YEARS) after were very rough. Not only did I need to learn to eat again, because now I had a 5oz stomach and I was used to eating at least 12oz of food at a meal which would force me to constantly be throwing up, but the change in my body chemistry and the loss of using food as a stress relief/comfort created a lot of mental health issues. In less than 8 months I dropped 100lbs. Indeed, it was drastic and it was a bit of a rough go, but I came out a much better, healthier me on the other side.

Bariatric surgery isn’t for everyone. I struggled with coming to terms with it for awhile, because as a former division 1 athlete, I felt like it was “cheating” to have that kind of surgery. After having gone through it, I can tell you unequivocally, it was VERY hard work and there is nothing “cheating” about it. So here I am, 7+ years later, weighing in at 136 pounds and 10 days away from running the New York marathon. What a crazy trip it has been, and I can’t wait to cross that finis line on November 3rd!

                                9/3/2011                                                                                            10/23/19

THE PHOENIX: When you are running by yourself for 3 hours 41 minutes and 47 seconds, you have A LOT of time to think and reflect.  I was so absolutely invested in my relationship with my wife that I actually had her astrological sign (Sagittarius) tattooed on my side along with my sign (Scorpio) and my daughter’s sign (Gemini).  A week before I went out to complete the longest run of my life to date, 20 miles, I had her sign tatooed over with a Phoenix.  A Phoenix, the mythological bird that dies by bursting into flames and is reborn from the ashes to start a new life…so was it with me.  So much of my heart and soul died in the months after my wife decided she wanted to separate and move to London, yet from that death there has been a rebirth.  I have physically and emotionally been reborn.  My body is is the best shape of its life, and emotionally I have conquered demons and fought through some of the most grueling tests of mental fortitude I have ever had to go through in my life. However, as I was out running 20 miles, fighting against the elements of wind and rain, there was absolutely one truth that just kept coming back over and over again…”Without my village, none of this would be possible.”

MY VILLAGE: To paraphrase the late, great, Lou Gehrig, “…today I consider myself the luckiest (wo)man on the face of the earth.” I have an incredible family who has been with me through all of this, supported me, lifted me up, took are of me, and will be there on race day in 19 days.  I am beyond lucky to have been born into such a loving and supportive family.  There is a very special group of women, most of whom I unequivocally considered to be “my wife’s friends” and who I separated myself from after our breakup.  Then one evening, I was told in no uncertain terms, that they were all MY friends too.  That group of women have opened their hearts, arms, homes and parties to me and given me a sense of belonging when I really, really needed it and I could never fully thank them for their empathy and love and I can’t wait to see them on the sidelines at the marathon. So many wonderful friends have reached out to me, and been there for me, over the last 8 months, and I am sure I will miss many, but please know that everyone’s kindness will never be forgotten.  My former coach Jen, who checked in on me almost every day in the early months,to make sure I was ok.  My amazing friends Heidi and Becky, who are constantly going out of their way to say hi and check in and let me know I am in their thoughts. My partners in crime and friends of 25 years Dina and Steph who have forever been there for me and continue to prove they will forever be there for me.  My walking buddy Susan, who’s hours and laps around the lake talking/venting are definitely worth thousands in therapy bills. My daughter’s other mom, Susan, who has helped me out in so many ways, from inviting me over for dinner so I wouldn’t be alone, to helping me with our daughter in times I really just needed to be alone. You are, and always will be my family, thank  you! My running coach and great friend, Amy, who promised she would be there for me every step of the way on this journey to 26.2 and she has absolutely kept up her end of the deal and in 19 days, I get to hold up my end.  Thank you for everything Amy, I wouldn’t be here without you.  I have run 340 miles in the last 17 weeks, and there is only 1 single person that I have allowed to run with me, and that’s my extraordinary friend Val.  She has pushed me when I needed a push, supported me when I needed support and run with me when I needed company and for all those reasons and more, I am eternally grateful.  So many people have donated to my charity, Dylan’s Wings of Change, to date 70 people have donated money to support me and my charity and I am so insanely thankful to all of you who have given money to such a worthy cause as Dylan’s Wings of Change.

REFLECTION: I’ve been to hell and back in the last 10 months.  From days I absolutely couldn’t even get out of bed, to running 20 miles, there have been ups and downs of epic proportion, but the one constant among it all, has been the love and messages of support I have received from so many people.  Please know that just because I did not name you above, does not lessen the impact you have had on my life in the last 8 months and your kindness will truly never be forgotten.  The Phoenix has risen from the ashes on the shoulders of all of you!   Thank you!

DONATE:  If you are so inclined, please donate to my charity, Dylan’s Wings of Change (donation will come up as Sandy Hook Promise Foundation but the money will go to DWC)

https://www.crowdrise.com/donate/project/sandy-hook-promise-foundation-nyc-2019/lynnsouza1

 

THE BEGINNING: My journey started in February of this year, when my wife decided she wanted to terminate our 8 year relationship and take a job transfer to London. Dealing with a loss of this nature is difficult for anyone, but for someone like myself, who has fought depression for over 30 years, the loss was completely crippling and more than I could bare. There were many days spent in bed, a huddled crying mass, wondering what I could have done differently, how could I save my marriage, and where do I go from here when the only future I ever saw was one with her in it. Days turned into weeks, and weeks slowly passed by, and then a much greater tragedy hit. On the morning of March 24th, Newtown father Jeremy Richman, died by suicide. I was overcome with more grief than I could possibly put into words and I was hit with the desire to do something. That “something” came in the form of volunteering my time with Dylan’s Wings of Change and the Wingman program.

A NEW CHAPTER STARTS: I was very familiar with the Wingman program as my daughter had participated in it at her elementary school. The Wingman program is a unique youth leadership program that develops social and emotional skills through team bonding and trust building activities. It’s mission of inspiring children to be more empathetic, courageous and inclusive young leaders was one I believed in wholeheartedly. So, I began to work with Ian Hockley, founder of Dylan’s Wings of Change and father of Dylan Hockley who was killed in the Sandy Hook shooting. At a time I needed it most, Ian allowed me to be a part of something that really and truly mattered; something I felt was making a difference. Brainstorming sessions, trips to NJ to watch Ian tell his story, and many conference calls later, I began to start feeling like my old self again.

A CRAZY IDEA: I can’t even tell you when I thought of it or what possessed me to do it, but at some point in my younger, more athletic life, I put “Run a Marathon” on my bucket list. As an adult, the only organized running I had ever done was a few charity 5Ks, where you just go out there and give it the old college try. However, I was feeling like I had something to prove to myself and although I was starting to feel better, I still greatly needed to find something to focus on besides my failed relationship. So on a whim, I looked up what charities I could raise money for in order to run in the New York City Marathon. As the Universe would have it, Dylan’s Wings of Change was one of the charities that received 4 marathon bibs as the larger Sandy Hook Foundation distributed some of their marathon bibs to other Sandy Hook charity organizations. I had asked and the Universe had answered. I would be wearing one of my favorite colors, purple, and running for a charity I was physically and emotionally involved with, and I was going to get to check of a bucket list item. But the Universe wasn’t done providing yet…

A RUNNING COACH, A FORMER TEAMMATE, AN INCREDIBLE FRIEND: I ran 15 miles last week, I am set to run 16 miles tomorrow and none of it would be possible without my amazing running coach. As luck or the Universe would have it, my former college teammate, and great friend, Amy Kvilhaug had left her head coaching position and was training runners. Amy had become an avid and quite successful runner herself, and took all that wisdom and was imparting it on others. We spoke at length, I told her about my fears of starting down this road and not being able to finish it, and we decided that together, we would do this. With Amy by my side, and an incredible amount of support from my family and so many friends, I am 7 1/2 weeks from running the New York City Marathon.

THE JOURNEY: Its been a difficult journey. I am sore on a daily basis. I have cried before runs, after runs, and during runs, and I have pushed myself harder than I possibly ever have in my life, but I have to do this for me and I have to do this for Dylan. Its been a journey of self discovery, of finding out what I am truly made of. I have gotten up to run before the sun comes up and I have run in the pitch black at 1:30 am with my headlamp on high. I truly can’t thank everyone enough for supporting me through this journey. What a (very) long, strange trip it has been. I will see you all at the finish line on November 3rd!

YOUR SUPPORT IS NEEDED: If you are so inclined, it would be amazing if you could make a donation to my charity to show your support for me and my efforts, as well as for Dylan’s Wings of Change. (Please note: when you donate, it will say Sandy Hook Foundation, but the money will absolutely go to Dylan’s Wings of Change.) Thank you so much! DONATE HERE: https://www.crowdrise.com/donate/project/sandy-hook-promise-foundation-nyc-2019/lynnsouza1

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Google just last week announced that since 2017, not one single employee out of its 85,000+ staff has had their account successfully phished and taken over by hackers.  When we live in an age where 80,000 people fall for phishing scams every single day and exposing their passwords, how is it possible that Google has so handily beaten the odds?

The answer is something called two-factor authentication (or sometimes referred to as two-step verification or multifactor authentication,) which combines something you know with something you have.  For example, a user must enter his/her account password (something you know,) but then there is a second piece of information required before the user is granted access to their systems.  This second piece of information can come in various forms; it could be a small USB key that you carry around and insert into your computer when you want to gain access (this is the method Google uses), it could be a text message to your mobile phone with a one-time code that needs to be entered, or it could be an app running on your mobile phone that generates a key to use (something you have.)  There are many ways two-factor authentication can be achieved, and the benefits could literally be priceless.  Even if a cyber-criminal obtains your password, it is useless without the 2^nd authentication piece.

Perhaps, the best part of two-factor authentication is that it is available for just about every major website/app you currently use and it is free.   Two-factor authentication can be enabled for Facebook, LinkedIn, Amazon, Instagram, Google/Gmail, WhatsApp, Paypal, Venmo, Twitter, Dropbox, Apple, Microsoft O365, Snapchat and Yahoo just to name a few.  A comprehensive list of websites that offer two-factor authentication, and supporting documentation on how to enable it for many of the websites listed, can be found here https://twofactorauth.org/.

So to recap, 80,000 people fall victim to phishing scams each and every day and their passwords get stolen by cybercriminals.  Turning on two-factor authentication is free and readily available and could be the difference between a good night’s sleep and a lot of hassle, lost time and lost money.  So why are you still sitting there reading this blog? Go enable two-factor authentication NOW!

My years spent at Providence College were not only some of the most fun times of my life, but they were also some of the most formative.  While receiving a top-notch education, I made friends and memories that will last a life time.  Most importantly, I had the distinct honor to wear the black and white and represent Providence College as a student athlete.  Providence College is one of the smallest Division 1 schools in the country, however it competes in the prestigious Big East Conference.  In my time at PC, I played against teams from Notre Dame, University of Connecticut, Boston College, Florida State, and other nationally recognized schools.

At PC, I was lucky enough to play for a truly amazing coach.  Coach Jennifer Finley taught me the true meaning of hard work, determination, confidence, teamwork and grit.  She was a tough coach who demanded excellence both in the classroom and on the field.  When one of our teammates was found to be skipping classes, we all had the pleasure of waking up at 5am to run sprints.  She pushed us physically and mentally further than any of us ever thought possible, both as individuals and as a collective.  Coach Finley instilled in us a sense of teamwork and comradery in the true spirit of, “all for one, and one for all.”  Individually we were all great athletes, but together we were unstoppable.  Under Coach Finley, we won both the Eastern College Athletic Conference Championship (twice) and the Big East Tournament.  I can honestly say that next to my parents, Coach Finley has had the largest impact on who I am as a person today.

So, when I took the great education I received from Providence College and coupled it with the confidence, drive and determination to succeed I learned while being a student athlete, the result was my ability to create a successful cybersecurity business.  I believe that with my success, comes the obligation to give back to the institution and athletic program that gave me so much.  I choose to give back, because I want nothing less than every student-athlete to walk away with the tools and inner fortitude that I gained at Providence College.  I choose to give back because I want to help build a winning athletic program, so that the student athletes of today know that with hard work and a strong team around you, absolutely anything is possible.  I choose to give back, because I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to Providence College, and it is my way of saying, “thank you,” for the role it played in shaping me into the happy and successful person I am today.